“Sorry I can’t go, I’m fat.”

Last summer I was 20 pounds lighter. I think, I donโ€™t weigh myself, my pants told me so, maybe 30.  Yikes. I had gone through both a romantic and a professional breakup and while I was more miserable than I ever remember being, the former anorexic in me always welcomes these bouts. Take up less space! God forbid people see you through your failed attempt at love! And, well, thinner is the winner! So fuck that guy! Itโ€™s the revenge body situation, the Iโ€™m thin and so the narrative here is that I have my life together. Unless Iโ€™m Ashley Graham. Sheโ€™s the only big thighed woman with her life together. Right?

I thought it would be different in my twenties. Iโ€™m exhausted just thinking about it. At least late twenties. I thought I would arrive at a place where my big azz thighs would genuinely make me proud and any fluctuation would be welcomed. Or that I would stop fluctuating all together. I do so much un-learning, after all.  My shelves are filled with Deepak, and Marianne, and Gabby, and Thich, and Jesus himself. I dig and I make lists, and I text, and share, and call, and pray, and meditate, and record and affirm. But when I tell you that my world falls apart when I look at a picture of me as I am today? Iโ€™m paralyzed. Iโ€™m supposed to have all the tools. I have all the tools. I know what to do. Whatโ€™s that mantra again? I just. I must not be getting it.

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